On The Passage of Time

Buckle up, she's reflecting

Here I sit, on my couch. I’ve been in a state of reflection over the last week and all I can think about is time. Some major milestones/anniversaries are approaching and I can’t help but to roll it all around in my head. I would say that this line of thinking has been overwhelming, but I can’t even call it a line. It’s more like one of these bad boys

Credit goes to this random reddit thread where I found this image

If you didn’t ever hop onto MS paint and create a piece of art such as this… did you even live in the early 2000s? I digress. We’re coming up on the one year anniversary of my dear friend Izzy’s passing. I’ve found myself processing this loss more over the last couple of weeks. When we lost Izzy, I had just seen her for the first time in over a year. It didn’t, and sometimes still doesn’t feel real that she’s gone. But when I think about all of the little glimpses of Izzy that I had grown accustomed to- even when we hadn’t spoken in weeks or months- I miss her in a big way. Her Instagram stories, her colorful posts about what she had been up to with all of her friends in LA, short bursts of her laughter playing through my phone speakers. Those are some of the holes she’s left in my daily doom scroll. I don’t know how to express what the last day we got to spend together meant to me, so I think I’ll leave it there.

Izzy’s death came just before the one year anniversary of losing my dad. That is to say that it’s been two years since the most terrible and painful day of my life. I’ve also been thinking about my dad a lot over the last week. How can it feel like I was just texting him about his new airfryer, receiving his daily wordle score, and admiring his most recent selfish picture (Walter speak for selfie)- when it’s been almost two whole years? Most of the time, I can think about my dad throughout the day and smile. Recently, it’s been hard. While decluttering the other night, I came across a birthday card he had written me. My dad never let the true intention of a card stop him from getting his message across. For example, he used this post card from The Buena Vista in San Francisco to reflect on a special father daughter trip we took together while wishing me a happy birthday.

It’s not lost on me that Kevin and I were just at The Buena Vista in February. The rediscovery of this card brought on a wave of tears. It was summarily placed into a box labeled “Cards, do NOT toss”. Later in the organization process, Kevin brought out the book my mom gave to my brother and me last Christmas. It’s a short hardcover Shutterfly masterpiece full of selfies of my dad. I flipped through it laughing and crying and wondering how it feels like I said goodbye yesterday while also feeling the full weight of the two years between now and the last time I hugged my dad.

I hope you all don’t think I’m going to have answers to all of these hypothetical questions. I certainly haven’t figured it out, but I do know that just because I’m getting all of these thoughts written in my virtual journal doesn’t mean that I won’t keep thinking about them.

That brings me to the next milestone coming up in just under a month. A happier one, to be sure! Craveable is turning ONE! While I haven’t managed one newsletter a week for a full year, I’m really proud of myself for keeping up with this little hobby. I’m proud of the fact that several of you tune in and read what I have to say (was gonna insert something self deprecating here, but I’ve decided to keep loving myself instead), I’m proud of the words I’ve written!

Oh! Roast Chicken jumpscare! What if I told you that roasting this chicken is the thing that really convinced me to write this week’s newsletter about the passage of time? It’s true. It was just about a year ago that I roasted my first chicken! A skill that was so daunting, but now I roast and broil with (perhaps a bit too much) reckless abandon! I remember discussing my newfound chicken roasting abilities in my first ever newsletter. And that? Feels like 100 years ago. In my brain I know that my dad died before I roasted my first chicken, but in my heart it just can’t be! Do y’all think I’m crazy for timeline-ing death and cooking milestones? Sorry, I am who I am!

Both of these big losses that I’ve faced in the last two years have coincided with the Easter season. A season of hope and new life and all around joy. At times it feels like a sick joke that these seasons overlap, but mostly I’m renewed in my faith that there is so much more after life on Earth. Even if you aren’t religious, I hope that the spring season can bring you a sense of new life and optimism.

Speaking of Easter, I’m anxiously awaiting next Sunday. Looking forward to church where I’ll certainly cry during the service. The music always makes me think of my dad, and I’ve been crying at the Easter service for years. Then, we all know that the second most exciting part of Easter is brunch. I’m not exactly sure what I’ll make this year, but once I figure it out I’ll be sure to share. For now, I’ll share the most perfect carrot cake recipe that I wrote about in one of my first newsletters.

I hope I didn’t jump around too much, and I hope that this newsletter wasn’t all doom and gloom (although, I don’t really care. I will always write what I want 🤪) Thank you, as always, for reading and caring and sharing and engaging and all of the things that keep me excited about writing! Talk to you soon ❤️